You can’t think your way into everything…
In the cycle of behavior if you guessed “feeling” comes first—before thinking or behaving—you’re not alone. Nearly 95 percent of my clients and students think that feelings ignite the thoughts that inspire actions and behaviors.
But really, it’s our thoughts.
Here’s the rub: Human beings may be smart, but we’re also negative thinkers.
Let me explain.
Every day, all day long, your brain and body are busy taking in information and stimuli—working hard to sort it, sift it, interpret it, and categorize it. But studies show that the first way the human brain interprets information is through a framework of loss: In other words, negatively.
If that’s not enough, research also shows that not only is it human instinct to frame information through a loss-mindset, but it is also harder for the brain to release a negative thought than it is to create a positive one.
Studies have even shown that for every negative critique, it takes five positive affirmations to return to baseline!
It turns out, we are hardwired for negativity.
For example, someone who regularly receives positive feedback at work may still think that they are horrible at their job after receiving one criticism. Negative thoughts about their job performance will dictate how they feel about themselves—and those feelings could lead to less-than-healthy behaviors.
While thinking-feeling-behaving is a non-linear cycle, if you want to uncover the root cause of your behaviors and heal your feelings, you’ve got to start by changing your thoughts.
If you want to figure out why you do what you do, you cannot feel your way there.
In the practice of mindfulness, there is something called a “sponsoring thought”—in other words, the original thought you had, conscious or not, that generated a feeling within you, that led to a particular behavior. When said behaviors are unhealthy and compulsive—like over-working, over-eating, excessive drinking, over-spending, scrolling social media all night, or anything that ultimately hinders your quality of life—recognizing your sponsoring thought is the first step to real change.
Digging all the way back to the sponsoring thought is what mindfulness allows you to do. It’s an invitation to think about your thinking, to interrupt your thinking-feeling-behaving loop to change your sponsoring thought and replace it with a new one—hopefully, one that will lead to healthier and more productive feelings and behaviors.
Mindfulness is an opportunity to wake up, become aware, and transform the narratives that inform your life until you begin to get the outcomes you want.
It is no secret that in the U.S. and around the world, people are unwell both physically and mentally. Things like depression, poor self-esteem, addiction, and anxiety are often the result of chronic negative thinking.
Consider this: When was the last time you were going through your day, feeling fine, when suddenly, the most mundane unpleasant experience suddenly knocks the wind right out of you and wrecks your entire day? No matter what else happens next, that single experience of negativity replays in your mind, repeatedly, for the rest of the day.
Sound familiar? We’ve all done this—we give power to negativity and it overtakes us.
Now imagine: In that moment, instead of getting stuck in a pattern of negative thinking, you could tap into a mindfulness practice instead—stopping, pausing your thoughts, and taking the time to offer yourself compassion and reestablish your wellbeing. That could include acknowledging you had a negative experience, reminding yourself that you have the power to choose to think an alternative thought, and moving on with the rest of your day in a better mindset.
Take my client Chase, for example…
Chase is aware of what it means to challenge negative thoughts.
Chase and I began our journey together when he worked as a health coach for a concierge medical company. That might sound like the ultimate well-being gig, but he was deeply entrenched in a system of negativity that existed all around him.
Chase was playing by the standard rules set forth by society, doing the things he was “supposed to do” to achieve “success”—the kind of success that had been defined for him by others, as well. Once he paused and considered his own definition of success, he realized he wanted to drastically transform the trajectory of his life.
Through our work together, Chase learned to challenge his negative patterns of thinking. (Fun fact: Chase’s version of shutting up and sitting is shutting up and walking.) When he did, he found his life opened to opportunities he never thought possible. Chase discovered he had something so much bigger than himself inside of him.
The world needed and deserved what he had to offer.
Chase had the idea to take the mantra that his father had instilled him throughout his life: “Ever forward” and share it with the world in a way that empowered others. He wanted to support people in living their own “ever forward” life.
That idea led him to a cross-country move, a complete career overhaul, and, within just a few years, the career he had always dreamed of. (Including a thriving business and wildly successful 400+ episode podcast!)
“Once I [made a change, my life] got easier in many ways and challenging in a lot of others. But it was conscious challenge, because I knew if I had to navigate a different road [and] different social environments, it would force change. In my journey, I knew when I introduced change, growth happened. When I just thought about change differently—even before anything happened—I changed,” Chase says.
What negative thought patterns do you get stuck in, every day?
We all want to be able to brush off negative experiences and thoughts, to go about the rest of our lives happy, healthy, and with relative ease. But changing our thought patterns is not easy. We must learn how to become acutely aware of our thinking and then consciously interrupt ourselves, discovering the slight pause between each of our thoughts.
It’s in that pause we can all make a choice to think differently, unsticking ourselves from the cycle of negative thoughts.
Next time you find yourself in a pattern of negative thinking, try these three steps to challenging your negative thoughts:
Step 1: Get out of the habit of struggle.
Now that you know a bit about how the human brain frames negative and positive thinking, you probably have an idea of how important it is to get out of the struggle between positive and the negative. Positive affirmations are a small, easy, instantly accessible way to start. Try starting each day by saying something to yourself like: I’m happy and grateful that I am alive, first thing in the morning—before you even open your eyes. Start by beginning each day with an energy of positivity.
Step 2: Get out of the habit of low expectations.
Here is the thing: If you’re having negative thoughts and are stuck in the habit of struggle, then you may develop a habit of low expectations, too—and that can be a dangerously self-fulfilling prophecy. It might seem like setting low expectations prepares you to handle disappointment better when it arises, but it can have the reverse effect. Try arriving to every situation with positive intentions, while simultaneously setting the expectation that everything will unfold as the universe intends it to.
Step 3: Learn to favor hope over doubt.
If you feel as though you spend far too much of your life in a place of doubt and fear, chances are you’re in a pattern of old (negative) thoughts, behaviors, and experiences. It is easy to get lost in doubt—until you learn to favor hope, that is. You can favor hope by consciously choosing to frame the positive over the negative, the possible over the impossible.
Anytime you discover you are stuck in an uncomfortable or painful feeling, check-in with yourself and assess your thoughts, rather than your feelings or behaviors. It’s easy to think that the way you are feeling in any given moment is the way you’re going to feel forever—especially if you’re rooted in the negative, expecting failure, and filled with doubt. But it’s simply not true. All real change starts with your thoughts.
The good news is you hold all the power you need to change them.
